Sugar

While I have overcome two lifelong addictions (Video Games and Porn), there is one that I’m still tackling as I write this… sugar.

Why has sugar been a lifelong addiction for me? Because it has been very effective as a means of self-medicating stress, fatigue and tiredness.

When I got pocket money, I would use it to buy sweets at the local newsagents outside my school. School would always tire me out at the end of the day and sugar maintained my energy to either get homework done or watch movies.

As the years went on and especially at University, my intake of sugar increased dramatically. I would buy batches of chocolate and consume them while playing ‘The Last of Us’ every night. I would even eat raw sugar used for Tea because my body was crying for energy that I simply lacked.

Why did my addiction to sugar escalate during my time at University? Because I felt a lack of belonging there. I used to struggle talking to anyone about my physical and mental problems because I didn’t love myself.

This lack of self love knocked my confidence in social skills and I found it difficult to find belonging. Even hearing stories that you were guaranteed to find life long friendships and a romantic partner stressed me out so much that I hid.

I spent most of my time in the virtual worlds of video games and eating chocolate at the same time because it was simply more appealing compared to the uncertainty of life. University was definitely an uncertain time for me.

At University, I lived in student halls in the second year and my flatmates held parties nearly every night until three in the morning. I used sugar and played ‘The Last of Us’ repeatedly to simply get through the stress I was experiencing while I waited agonisingly for the parties to end. Knowing that binging sugar was dangerous for my health added to my negative worldviews and the hate/resentment I felt towards my flatmates.

This addiction is also affecting my body. There is a decay scar on one of my teeth that will never heal. I recently get stomach cramps as I keep consistently eating chocolate and drinking Diet Coke.

I’m scared of what could happen if I don’t let go of this addiction. I really don’t want Diabetes because needles are one of the few things in this world that I can’t stand. The possibility of injecting Insulin into myself every day for the rest of my life is one of my worst fears.

But I’m now taking positive steps to have a healthy relationship with sugar.

I’m talking to my friends, family and therapist about my sugar addiction and it’s a normal conversation now, not something to be feared. I’m seeing my GP soon to get ideas on how to deal with sugar in a healthy way. I’m committing myself to do walks daily to lose the weight I’ve gained.

I’m also exploring moderation in that I’ll have a small amount of sugary food every few days. While I have stumbled doing this, it’s something that I’m going to keep tackling.

Simply writing this blog down is therapeutic for me in that my addiction isn’t just known to my inner circle anymore.

I’ve overcome Video Games and Porn, I can overcome this too!