I have Schizophrenia.
While I don’t wish mental illness on anyone, Schizophrenia helped me see the truth of my entire life. It led me to the point where I am now the happiest I have ever been.
How did this happen?
During my first Schizophrenic episode in 2019, my brain literally shut down to the point where my thoughts revolved around delusions and memories of the video game ‘The Last of Us’.
When I was sectioned under the Mental Health Act and went to Springfield Hospital, I was in a catatonic state for a week where I never opened my eyes. I would walk slowly around the ward and listen to the sounds around me. The only comforting sounds there were in the Garden outside the ward.
When I was in the garden, I felt mindful. My thoughts about ‘The Last of Us’ were mostly gone and I could focus on the birdsongs and the sensations of the grass on my feet.
When my brain began to heal, I grew my faith in the goodness of people. A Nurse took me for a walk outside the Ward and I expressed excitement in seeing my family and friends again, not video games. I had faith that the Doctors had my best interests at heart and that their advice would help me heal.
After four years of recovery, I’m happy to say that my faith payed off.
But I have had to face the frightening aspects of Schizophrenia during this time of change. I would have visual and auditory hallucinations of the 28 Days Later Rage Zombies. I would see them on the street, I would see them at home, I also saw them at work. They would sometimes be at a distance or they would be right up at my face screaming loudly at me. I also heard voices telling me to kill myself and that I was a fucking idiot.
Thankfully, I rarely experience these hallucinations and voices anymore.
This comes down to multiple factors. My Olanzapine and anxiety (Propranolol) medication is effective but I also tell the people that I love and trust about them. I have to admit, telling my parents about the suicidal voices was one of the most hardest and emotional things I’ve ever talked about. But it was worth it because I am now in control of my thoughts and voices. They don’t control me anymore.
When I left Springfield Hospital, the first piece of advice that the Early Intervention Team gave me when they visited my home was to stop playing violent video games. After three years, I managed to do more than that. I quit playing video games entirely in December 2022. At the time of writing, I’ve been 8 months sober from video games.
Why did I go so far to cut video games out of my life entirely? To simply make them less prevalent in my thoughts.
While I unfortunately did go back to Springfield Hospital again in 2021, it did lead to positive changes in my life. This re-visit led to my psychiatrist concluding that I have life-long schizophrenia.
There was another addiction I had to face after this diagnosis. I had to face my porn addiction.
I was addicted to porn for over 10 years and it deeply affected any conversation I had with both handsome and beautiful people. Because I was watching porn every night, I struggled to be honest about myself in conversation and imagery from porn videos kept appearing in my mind.
Having these two addictions together was stopping me from having inner peace so I decided to see a Therapist and from the very beginning, I told him about these addictions. Through our sessions together, I have been a year and 10 months sober from Porn.
With these lifelong addictions gone, I now have so much free time. I now spend it with good, kind and caring people both in my personal and work life. I’m accepted and I’m happy.
Having Schizophrenia has motivated me to learn more about myself and the world through non-fiction books.
Schizophrenia doesn’t define me. It’s a part of me and that’s ok.
Samuel Mental Health 