Before I attended my second year of university in 2016, I was generally a very happy person. I made strong friendships over the years at secondary school and my passion for technical theatre and soundtracks was infectious to all who knew me.
However, that all tore apart when, for my second year of university, I lived in student halls again.
What changed?
My flatmates held parties at our flat almost every night until 3 in the morning. I’m autistic and sensitive to loud noises. I couldn’t stand the loudness and I barely slept once the parties were over.
I was so sleep deprived that I developed an addiction to both video games and chocolate. I would play the post-apocalyptic survival horror video game ‘The Last of Us’ over a hundred times in the span of six months.
Both my grades and relationships were deteriorating because I barely told a soul why I looked so beaten down by the world.
I never said goodbye to my flatmates at the end of the school year because, to be honest, I hated them.
This hate went unregulated and led to self destruction in that I looked up cynical and depressing worldviews on Reddit on a daily basis.
These worldviews ranged from narcissism, misogyny, anti-work, and anti-natalism (the belief that procreation is morally wrong).
Consuming these negative worldviews and the violence in the video game ‘The Last of Us’ together every day for two years took its toll on my mental health.
In 2019, it felt as if a switch had flipped in my brain. I suddenly had delusions relating to ‘The Last of Us’.
The most prominent delusion I had was that the creative director of the game, Neil Druckmann, and the actors that played the main characters Joel and Ellie, Troy Baker and Ashley Johnson, were going to adopt me and take me to Seattle.
This delusion was prominent because ‘The Last of Us: Part II’ was about to come out and the main setting of the game is Seattle.
This delusion terrified me so much to the point that I became a danger to myself. I threw and destroyed all my possessions in my bedroom as an act of desperation. I was very lucky that I didn’t seriously injure myself.
After that moment, there was no turning back. I had psychosis, was sectioned and went to Springfield Hospital.
Four years later, what has changed?
One word…everything!
As soon as I recovered from my psychosis, I realised that these cynical worldviews I was internalising destroyed my soul.
I went out of my way to block Reddit and stopped watching YouTubers who thrive on negativity.
I don’t play video games anymore thanks to the amazing website Game Quitters and the guidance they gave me!
I’ve sold all my gaming consoles (PlayStation 4, Nintendo Switch and Xbox One) and have blocked games on my phone!
I have my chocolate addiction under control thanks to the fantastic low calorie GoAhead snacks which taste amazing!
As to my relationship with ‘The Last of Us’…I have thankfully lost almost all interest in the series.
This is because of the amazing book ‘Humankind’ by Rutger Bregman which explores the good side of humanity.
It explores the viewpoint that most people are decent and that the violence portrayed in fiction is unrealistic.
This viewpoint has helped me change what content I consume. I now watch Ted Lasso and Mortimer and Whitehouse: Gone Fishing instead of Star Wars and Superhero movies.
If there is any advice I can give, explore what content you watch and read and consider how it makes you feel.
Take time to connect with people outside your home. Explore the Meetup website and join groups that have similar interests to you. It gives you something to look forward to and live in your head less.
Samuel Mental Health 